November where it all began[Lilith Hallows-Mature]

[Nekayne]

Police records have shown that there were often a lot of calls to the dilapidated house on Boultar Street. Because of this, Cheryl didn’t really seem surprised that a body had been found there, stabbed to death. It was the owner of the house’s body – a woman in her mid-thirties with a body showing severe drug abuse. The house had obviously not been cleaned in a long time and lacked many proper necessities. Cheryl could almost feel the tension steaming off of the walls in a chilling fashion. The suspects were here not long ago. She knew it.

Upon arriving, Cheryl looked down at the Coroner who was bent at the deceased woman’s side. Feeling her presence, the Coroner looked up at Cheryl with a nod of greeting. “Gloria Hallows. Thirty-six years old. Drivers license is outdated but it lists this house as her address. Guessing single. As far as I know there doesn’t seem to be trace of a significant other living here. Just…a party house.”

Cheryl gave the Coroner a nod. “How long until you’re done?”

“About another twenty minutes. I’ll call you when I’m done.”

“Alright. I’m going to look around upstairs.”

With her silver case in hand, Cheryl began to climb the stairs, her steps delicate as she noticed the sinking floorboards creaking beneath her polished shoes. She carefully watched her steps, making sure not to step on anything that seemed suspicious, though the stairs were stained with many different things that she couldn’t quite identify.

Noticing two separate doorways, one opened and one closed, Cheryl backed towards the stairs so that her voice could reach the Coroner. “Hey, did anyone clear up here?”

“It should be. I saw an officer go up.”

“Then why is the door closed?” Cheryl called back, although no response came. Setting her case down, Cheryl began to slowly approach the door, her heart beating a little faster as her hands were held slightly away from her hips. The door shouldn’t be closed if someone checked it. Why was it closed?

Cheryl’s gloved hand slowly reached for the scuffed brass handle. Just as soon as her fingers lightly brushed it, the door swung inwards, causing Cheryl to startle back and reach for her assigned pistol.

“Whoa, Cheryl, calm down.”

Cheryl gave a sigh of relief as a comrade opened the door. She returned the half-drawn pistol to it’s holder before putting a hand to her chest. “Geez, Eric, why do you have the door closed?”

Eric gave a heavy sigh as he shrugged his broad shoulders. He gave his head a sad shake – something he rarely ever did. It wasn’t like him to show emotion. “This was a little girl’s room. There isn’t a little girl here. It’s covered in dust. I don’t think there has been a child here for a long time.”

Cheryl blinked, intrigued as Eric backed up so she may enter the room. Although décor was lacking, it was definitely belonging to a girl at one point in time. Dirtied pieces of clothing scattered the floor and a stuffed animal was throw here or there, but other then that the room was nearly untouched and unfurnished.

Eric reached his arm out, gesturing to the unmade bed that had been canopied by cobwebs. “There was a diary on the bed. I took a look at it. I think you should read the last entry.”

Cheryl looked at Eric with concern on her face, but Eric looked away as he tried to mask his emotions like he normally did. He silently took his leave, brushing past his comrade as his steps were heard slowly making their way down the creaky stairs.

Cheryl brought herself closer to the bed, eyeing the diary. The pages were yellowed and the dust on the front had been disturbed, most likely from Eric picking it up. Cheryl repeated his actions and picked up the book, noting that the scrawl did match that of a young girl. She flipped to the back pages and found the last date that went back to November, twelve years prior.

These are the last few pages of you, diary. I am going to fill you up now. I’ve told you things I would never tell anyone else, especially not the school councillors. They’re not trying to help. They’re trying to hurt me or embarrass me. I know it.

I feel like this is the end.

I’ve been fighting this for way too long. I thought that maybe if I stayed strong and tried to battle it, it would fix itself…that mom wouldn’t be so deep in the bottle and maybe start being a mom. That maybe all the people would go away. That maybe I could go to sleep without fear of what I’ll find in the morning or what I’ll get woken up by in the middle of the night.

I don’t understand it. I’ve been trying hard, haven’t I? I might not be getting the best grades but I try and I might not have many friends but I at least try to be nice. I try to clean up and do what I can for mom when she’s crying like giving her Kleenex and hugs or when she passes out I try to pull her onto the couch and give her a blanket. I try to stop the fights in the house and I scrub the blood out of the carpet although it never really comes clean. Doesn’t hard work and staying good and true make everything better?

Finn punched his girlfriend last night and a brawl broke out in the living room. The coffee table cracked because she fell on it as he was beating her down. What little things we had left started getting broken and smashed and I had to clean up the glass in the morning, though I stepped on the ones I couldn’t see and it took some time to try and get all the pieces out of my foot. There was no knives this time but the coffee table has some blood on it from where Finn’s head got cracked on it when another guy (I don’t know who he is, he’s a new face) slammed his forehead against it. I’m not sure where Finn is now, but he just kind of stumbled out of the house yelling something not very clearly. I was watching all this from the staircase. It’s where I go when these things happen. It’s frightening to watch but at the same time I’m too scared of what will happen when I’m not there.

I didn’t write a couple days ago because it got so scary here that I just ran outside and I didn’t come back for a while. I slept in the back alley near Tai’s Variety. I forgot to bring anything with me but that’s because of what was happening. I got really mad and frustrated with everything. Mom said she was going to give up the crack but then I saw Elise give her a pipe. I just got so mad that I couldn’t see anything else. I took the pipe and I threw it at the wall and it broke. Elise got even more mad and began beating down on me. I managed to get away but I had a sprained wrist and I think I still have a black eye. I’ve been trying to cover it with mom’s concealer but it didn’t work very well because Ms. Barnes still noticed. She’s always up in my business. I just don’t want to talk to her or anyone there. I know they just want to tell everyone in school what’s happening and I don’t want people looking at me in that way anymore.

So I spent a few nights in the alley until I thought that maybe Elise left or at least forgot about it. It was really cold and damp. Even though it’s winter, there is no snow but there has been lots of rain. It rained one of the nights but I found a spot against a building that the rain didn’t hit as much. The rain was like ice. It should have been snow. I really can’t stand the cold and the wet. I cried a lot in the alley and I was so hungry. When I got back to the house, I went straight for the fridge but there wasn’t really anything in there so I just drank a lot of water from the tap.

Last night was the worst. And I don’t mean about Finn punching his girlfriend.

I managed to get to sleep and I still heard some shouts coming from downstairs. I figured if I went to bed now then I wouldn’t have to deal with all the stuff that came afterwards. What if the police came again? I really hated when they talked to me and I didn’t want them to see my black eye. I woke up when I heard my door creek open but I pretended to be asleep so I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone.

Now I wish I would have moved or said something right away. One of the newer guys came in. I think his name was Adrian or something. I’m not sure since these guys never use their real names anyways. I always felt so uncomfortable around Adrian. He always just stared at me in a way that made me feel cold and scared, and I really hate the cold.

I peeked while pretending to be asleep and Adrian stood above my bed, staring at me. It got so scary that I opened my eyes. Before I could ask him what he was doing, he clapped his hand over my mouth and threw the blankets off my bed. I hate the cold. Adrian’s hand was cold. I think at that moment I could tell he was a Pokemorph – an ice type, maybe, but I didn’t know what kind.

I yelled against Adrian’s hand and tried to get it off but his other one held me down by my neck. He told me that if I screamed I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. His fingers went up my nightdress and towards my underwear and I couldn’t help scream against his hand, which caused him to squeeze my neck until I stopped.

I don’t even know how to explain what happened next. I don’t think I want to explain it. All I know is it hurt a lot. I cried so hard. He was so rough with me. I think one of my ribs are broken because when I bend to the left it hurts so much. He was so cold. I hate the cold.

I think this is the last I can take, diary. I’m only twelve years old and I got raped. Wasn’t I trying hard enough? Weren’t things supposed to get better? I remember someone telling me something like “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”. I’m not sure why they said it, but I remember it.

I can’t beat them. I’ve tried so hard and I can’t. Joining them will just be easier. It will take the pain away. Mom drinks and she doesn’t seem to hurt when she does. She always gets angry or in pain when she doesn’t drink. I can just do the same, can’t I?

I don’t want to hurt anymore. I have to become one of them.

[/size][/blockquote]

[Midnight]

Wow. Lilith had a pretty shitty childhood -- I can't believe she had to deal with all of that shit. It's no surprise that she acts the way she does now, though, and it certainly explains quite a bit. It's always interesting to get some more backstory on a character. Alright, so CORRECTIONS TIME. I really hope you don't mind me doing this. |D;

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Police records have shown that there were often a lot of calls to the dilapidated house on Boultar Street.

This sentence is okay, but it can also be rephrased. Instead of "often a lot of calls" you could say that numerous people called the house daily. Or, you could say that there were multiple calls to the house on Boultar Street. Either way is fine. I'm just being nitpicky.

Because of this, Cheryl didn’t really seem surprised that a body had been found there, stabbed to death.

You generally do not want to start a sentence with "because." In this case I don't think it's that much of a biggie, but it's a common pet peeve of English teachers and most writers. I'm just offering this as a future reference.

It was the owner of the house’s body – a woman in her mid-thirties with a body showing severe drug abuse.

Ehhh I would advise against repeating the same word in the same sentence. Instead of saying "a woman in her mid-thirties with a body showing severe drug abuse" (the sentence doesn't quite flow; it's a bit difficult to read), you could say: the tenant was a woman in her mid-thirties who showed signs of severe drug abuse and then maybe add a couple details explaining what her body looked like. It's not absolutely necessary, but it does give the reader a better description of the body.

The house had obviously not been cleaned in a long time and lacked many proper necessities.

Okay, this one kind of confuses me. What do you mean by "it lacked the proper necessities"? Do you mean that it was barely furnished? Do you mean that there wasn't any food available? Medicine? No running water or working electricity? "Necessities" is vague and offers the reader a lot of interpretation to what exactly you're trying to convey, which I guess is good if you're writing a mystery novel, but a little more detail would be nice.

Cheryl could almost feel the tension steaming off of the walls in a chilling fashion.

This sentence reminds me more of a nice, hot shower than "creepy ghosts are seeping through the walls and are going to grab you and eat you" sort of thing. I think instead you could use, The tension in the room was almost tangible; Cheryl could practically feel the chilling presence of it as she entered the room. -- Or something along those lines. That was actually really cheesy, but I hope you get what I'm trying to say.

Upon arriving, Cheryl looked down at the Coroner who was bent at the deceased woman’s side

This is kind of confusing as well. Did you mean that he was bent over? Or was he kneeling beside the corpse? Were his knees bent? I think it'd be easier to understand what position he was in if you specified a few more details. Also, coroner does not need to be capitalized (at least as far as I know, it doesn't).

"Drivers license is outdated but it lists this house as her address. Guessing single. As far as I know there doesn’t seem to be trace of a significant other living here. Just…a party house."

*Driver's license. An apostrophe in this case claims ownership of something, which would be the license.

With her silver case in hand, Cheryl began to climb the stairs, her steps delicate as she noticed the sinking floorboards creaking beneath her polished shoes.

This sentence strikes me as a little iffy. I know you're trying to be more specific with details, but this particular sentence is just... odd. Instead of saying that her steps were delicate, you could say, Cheryl cautiously ascended the stairs, grimacing at the sound of the creaking floorboards underneath her feet. The stairs themselves were in delicate condition and would require proper maintenance. Due to their fragile condition, they could give away at any second without any prior warning. Cheryl gingerly gripped the railing with one hand, desperately wishing that she could be anywhere but here.
Of course, you don't have to go into so much detail, and you certainly do not have to continue with my idea. I'm just throwing around some suggestions, that's all.


Noticing two separate doorways, one opened and one closed, Cheryl backed towards the stairs so that her voice could reach the Coroner. “Hey, did anyone clear up here?”

Which side were the doorways on? The right or left? Or were they both on either side? Also, instead of "clear," I think the word you meant to use was "clean." Again, coroner does not need to be capitalized.


“Then why is the door closed?” Cheryl called back, although no response came. Setting her case down, Cheryl began to slowly approach the door, her heart beating a little faster as her hands were held slightly away from her hips. The door shouldn’t be closed if someone checked it. Why was it closed?

Instead of: Cheryl called back, although no response came, you could say: Cheryl called back without a response. Curious, she set the case that she had been holding down on the floor and slowly, cautiously approached the closed door. Her heart was beating faster now, practically racing. Her hands were held away from her hips, and she subconsciously held her breath. The door shouldn't have been closed if someone had checked it, so why was it closed?


Cheryl’s gloved hand slowly reached for the scuffed brass handle. Just as soon as her fingers lightly brushed it, the door swung inwards, causing Cheryl to startle back and reach for her assigned pistol.

I think the term you're looking for in this sentence is "recoil." So instead of "causing Cheryl to startle back," you could say that "]Cheryl recoiled, startled, and instinctively reached for her pistol."

Cheryl gave a sigh of relief as a comrade opened the door. She returned the half-drawn pistol to it’s holder before putting a hand to her chest. “Geez, Eric, why do you have the door closed?”

Instead of holder, I'd suggest using the word holster. I know what you were trying to convey, but some people may get a little confused.

Eric gave a heavy sigh as he shrugged his broad shoulders. He gave his head a sad shake – something he rarely ever did. It wasn’t like him to show emotion. “This was a little girl’s room. There isn’t a little girl here. It’s covered in dust. I don’t think there has been a child here for a long time.”

Instead Eric "gave a heavy sigh" you could state that "Eric sighed heavily." Also, instead of "he gave his head a sad shake" (he sounds much more like a dog than a human being in this case because of how you phrased the sentence) you could say that he "shook his head sadly."
*"There isn't a little girl in here" is more proper.
*"I don't think there has been a child in this room" sounds a little bit better, but you don't have to include it.


Cheryl blinked, intrigued as Eric backed up so she may enter the room. Although décor was lacking, it was definitely belonging to a girl at one point in time. Dirtied pieces of clothing scattered the floor and a stuffed animal was throw here or there, but other then that the room was nearly untouched and unfurnished.


There are a lot of flaws in this sentence. I think it would be clearer if you rephrased it. For example: Cheryl blinked, intrigued. Eric backed away from the door to allow her to enter the room. Although there weren't many decorations, it was obvious that a little girl once stayed in this room at one point in time. Filthy articles of clothing scattered the floor, concealing the carpet (or floorboards) beneath. A few occasional stuffed animals were tossed here and there, but other than that, the room remained desolate, covered in a thick film of dust.


Eric reached his arm out, gesturing to the unmade bed that had been canopied by cobwebs. “There was a diary on the bed. I took a look at it. I think you should read the last entry.”

Instead of "Eric reached his arm out, gesturing to the unmade bed that been canopied by cobwebs" you could say that "Eric extended an arm, gesturing towards the untidy bed that had been covered with cobwebs."

Cheryl brought herself closer to the bed, eyeing the diary. The pages were yellowed and the dust on the front had been disturbed, most likely from Eric picking it up. Cheryl repeated his actions and picked up the book, noting that the scrawl did match that of a young girl. She flipped to the back pages and found the last date that went back to November, twelve years prior.

There's only one spelling error that I noticed in this paragraph:
*eyeing = eying (no double e)

These are the last few pages of you, diary. I am going to fill you up now. I’ve told you things I would never tell anyone else, especially not the school councillors. They’re not trying to help. They’re trying to hurt me or embarrass me. I know it.

Another spelling error that I noticed:
*councillors = counselors (not all words are phonetic)

I try to clean up and do what I can for mom when she’s crying like giving her Kleenex and hugs or when she passes out I try to pull her onto the couch and give her a blanket.

This is a run-on sentence. I'd suggest rephrasing it. Maybe something like this: I try to clean up and do what I can for my mom when she's crying or when she passes out from drinking too much. I give her Kleenexes to dry her tears and try to pull her onto the couch when she passes out. I always cover her up with a blanket when I can get her on the couch, just to make sure she doesn't get too cold.

The coffee table cracked because she fell on it as he was beating her down.

I know who you're talking about, but I had to read it a couple times to understand. Perhaps you could be a little bit specific and eliminate the vague pronouns in this sentence?

What little things we had left started getting broken and smashed and I had to clean up the glass in the morning, though I stepped on the ones I couldn’t see and it took some time to try and get all the pieces out of my foot.

Another run-on sentence. Perhaps you could try something along the lines of this: The few things that we have left always end up getting either broken or smashed, or sometimes both. I always have to clean up after people's messes in the morning. No one else is responsible enough to clean up after themselves. I accidentally stepped on a few shards of glass while cleaning up the most recent mess and it took some time to get some of the pieces out of my foot. Some were more deeper than others. My mom didn't even notice that I had cut myself; someone was always bleeding in this house.

There was no knives this time but the coffee table has some blood on it from where Finn’s head got cracked on it when another guy (I don’t know who he is, he’s a new face) slammed his forehead against it.

Okay, this is a little confusing -- I thought that Finn's girlfriend had been the one that hit her head on the coffee table during their fight. Did Finn crack his head against the coffee table after the previous incident or before? Also, the "no knives" bit is a little questionable and doesn't quite fit into the overall sentence. Maybe you could either elaborate or cut it out entirely?

--

That's all the correcting I'm going to do for this. I would continue, but I think the rest of the story is fine as it is. I won't ask you to expand on the details of Lilith's rape, because I KNOW how discomforting it is. I've never experienced anything like it (thank God), but I don't want to cause any triggers in anyone else. All in all, it's an okay story. It could use some work, but it's really up to you if you want to make all those revisions. I can't wait until you post a story about Noah. ♥ I imagine he has some angst in his past, as well.